I go through phases of dark and light on an endless loop.
When it is light, I shine like no other.
I like to think that I am a funny person. I grew up with an older sister, and she stands witness to the fact that I was an entertainer. I would sing, dance, and annoy her through all my days. I am the biggest cheerleader of my loved ones; I want a front row seat to see their dreams come true. I have dreams of my own. I am proud of the things I have achieved - the first woman on both sides of my family to have gone out of the state to study and work. A young girl with a promising future who is doing so much on her own. I have worked on myself to get everything I knew I deserve. I get to sit back and enjoy the ride now that the hardest parts are over. I want to be the perfectly dressed twenty-one-year-old seen through the glass windows of a beautiful coffee house, drinking her (very-lightly-sugared) cappuccino on a Friday afternoon just because. I want to be busy – the problem of plenty is always welcome. I have ambition, that is what got me to where I am today, and I want it to take me further
When it is light, I walk on air. Work has not bothered me much. I have usually been the one who knows that most things thrown at me are doable if I want to do them. I am an organized person with my schedules and time-tables ready before any project is started, always done a week before the deadline. I have my earphones plugged in most of the time, and I prefer it that way, with as little small talk as possible. I have never been the one to be a part of huge friend circles, preferring instead the quiet company of a couple of confidantes. My happiness is contained inside of me, in a box that very few people can open.
When it is dark, there is nothing.
In the dark, there is not much to look forward to. I hate dreaming of the times to come because new times will bring with them a new set of problems that I will not have the bandwidth to deal with. I have spent a lot of 2023 in the dark – marked by sleepless nights, multiple tissue boxes emptied, dry heaving, and a weight on my chest that never quite vanishes. It makes me scared, hopeless, tired. It becomes comfortable after a while, which I think is worse.
My anxiety got a lot worse once things started to go right for me career-wise, which sounds rather counter-intuitive. There were more responsibilities, even if the things I was achieving were exceeding what was expected of me. I keep telling myself to live from day to day, but it rarely works. In December, I was staying up nights worried about my internship in April. In April during my internship, I am worried about the year to come – chosen electives, examinations, holidays, and final placements. It is a never-ending cycle of worrying.
I would call up my parents in the middle of it sometimes, and they would think I need a break. They might have been right, perhaps a break was all I needed, but the worries seemed never ending at the time. A movie would not solve it. A weekend trip home would not solve it. I felt bad burdening my parents with the worry, it was not serious enough for them to be concerned. I could deal with it, I was dealing with it. The stress became an immovable object weighing down in some corner of my chest. I was almost done with my first year at IIM Ahmedabad at this point, the worst of the storm had been weathered. In fact, from first hand experience, the internship has been much lighter than what our weekly routine at college subjected us to. I was not doing well.
I would ask my closest friends how they are being so carefree about things to come, and they would answer my questions with a genuine intention of helping out. It is actually really nice to see that people my age are so welcoming and understanding of mental health issues. I would tell them that I felt anxious, and they would just…get it? I was stressed but there was never a shortage of people I could talk to about it, and even if they could not take it away, they listened, and they sat near me, and that meant everything. One of my friends would let me simply sit in her room and talk or work whenever I felt stressed, and it meant everything. It warms my heart to know such kind people
Like I mentioned, I go through phases of dark and light on an endless loop.
Maybe that is a hormonal imbalance or something deeper than that, I will not know without a diagnosis, and I am strictly against self-diagnoses when it comes to things of this nature. So far it has been tolerable and has not affected me or my loved ones in a serious manner. I think it has a lot to do with the changes that come with growing up and finding myself in such a fiercely competitive environment suddenly, when I do not have the same kind of tenacity in me. On most days, I am just happy to be considered a part of the race. On others, I hate that the world did not end when I was eighteen. The reason for writing this is not very clear to me right now, but take time out for yourself, I guess? You’re not alone in feeling overwhelmed, and even when you get everything you think you want right now, you will still have problems - newer, more creative ones. It would be boring to have to live without them.
You have no idea how much the words you write heal and are an inspiration to people you don't even know. Felt it on the anxiety part ❤️ Please keep going. Rooting for you 💌
This is mind blowing ....felt every word ...keep going ✨✨